I find myself referring to this picture quite often. Northern Arizona night sky, a howling wind, a chilling breeze, and a crackling fire place. A wanderer’s dream.
I also find myself getting different signals from it. Different messages conveyed although the fire remains true, the moment, the existence. I don’t take it for granted…
I remember sitting on the edge of this cliff side dangling my feet without a dollar to my name. I remember feeling the vastness of the west. I remember the stars. I remember freedom mixed with a bit of triumph. “how did I actually get myself here.”
It’s tough to explain really… the feeling of looking at the stars and anxiously waiting for an answer back to a question you haven’t asked. To trust having only looked at them. Reminiscent of the eyes of your lover when you knew you loved each other for the first time.
The questions you have (I have) often come from a place that are hard to place. Perhaps archaic in nature. The question of “are you going to care for me - you?” A bit more raw and nuanced than that of a reflective question or response.
I haven’t felt that rawness of looking into the abyss much before. Only times of adventure, self exploration, and love. I suppose they are all rooted in joy of all things.
I don’t remember having these moments come and not pan out. However the feeling of sitting on a cliff side unsure of what’s next comes with a weight the heart has to carry. Thinking about it the life you want, looking at the universe’s eyes, and asking the desperate question “will this life make it to me?”
The worst part is most often these questions are often intrinsic. They happen alone and give your heart a weight to bear. Asking alone makes your mind ponder, worry, and avoidant. It’s better to ask in desperation and give the universe its chance to help you trust it. It just has to be from the heart.
The only way I knew how to get the universe to find me then was through a smoke signal. The words the smoke wrote said “this is all I have”.
I think the lesson here is love just wants trust and communication. Even if all you can muster is a smoke signal. Doin’ my best